On March 18, 2021 my mom died and went to see Jesus in heaven. It’s now about two months later, and I’ve had some time to ponder my thoughts. I’m reading a book about loss and how we process through the five stages…denial, anger, bargaining, sorrow and acceptance. It’s written by Raymond Mitsch and Lynn Brookside from a Christian perspective. It’s been insightful to read. It’s provided clarity in how I view this process and what I’m going through. If you’ve experienced the loss of a loved one, I’d highly recommend reading this little book…Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love: Daily Meditations to Help Through the Grieving Process. Each morning, I read one short chapter. Even though I’m only half way through it, I see how it’s helping me to process this overwhelming loss.
It’s interesting to me how different siblings growing up in the same house can have different take-aways from their experiences. As individuals, we also mourn differently and at our own pace.
I’ll share only a small bit from my experiences while growing up. I provide a peek into the life my mom had both before and after living an alcoholic lifestyle. I hope this blog encourages you. It’s about hope that can be found once someone you love gets beyond an addiction. That choice to change direction from a destructive path to create a new life takes incredible courage, strength, integrity and a humble character. That’s what I saw in my mom.
So much happened with her, and as I explain, I hope you will see what a difference a recovery program can make for someone willing to work it.
My mom didn’t “retire” from a local, big-name company. One day she was approached by her boss, and friend, about taking “liquid” lunches. Following this discussion, she came home from work that day and didn’t return. Her career of many years ended. She walked away from the managerial position she loved. This shows how powerful an addiction can control you. She chose to continue drinking versus making the necessary changes to keep her job.
Growing up, there were many sad times while my mom was actively drinking. It was chaotic with her telling the same stories repeatedly as she couldn’t remember what she had said the day prior. Memory becomes an issue for those with long-term drinking patterns. It’s one of the many signs of a person controlled by alcohol.
To start her day, she would heat wine in her “coffee” cup. None who knew her would call beyond 3 p.m. We could anticipate her condition. We did a family intervention but as with anyone, she had to decide for herself to stop drinking and want a better life. More than a decade later she reached her bottom.
This blog post is not about the dysfunction but to focus on her recovery and her changed life that followed. It’s to honor my mom’s life and provide hope. At the time, I didn’t realize it but she had such strength. There is always hope as I saw with my mom, and in our family!
Personally, I spent ten years in counseling to work through my own recovery being an adult child of an alcoholic. I was thankful for the small and large group programs as well as the one-on-one counseling. As a result, I got to place of peace and forgiveness. I could move beyond the hurt. My relationship with my mom healed as God did a work in both of us.
Are you waiting for a loved one to choose a different path? I would encourage you that one never knows when a “broken arm” will occur, as happened with my mom. In a drunken stoper, she fell and broke her arm. It was a blessing from God in disguise. She went to the emergency room. After running a number of tests, they found her organs to be in good health, including her liver. She viewed this opportunity to change her life, and she went for it!
After completing the local hospital detox program, she was admitted to an in-patient facility to complete their recovery program. I was, and still am, so proud of her for having the courage to make this difficult choice. I was proud of her decision to take this “second chance” on life. And, she never looked back.
Once she completed the program, she volunteered at an outpatient facility for those recovering from addictions. She worked herself up into a paid position and loved working for this organization. She saw people recovering from addictions and could relate to their world. Firsthand, she saw those coming in for counseling and the challenges these folks had endured in their lives. I think it helped keep her accountable.
At 16 years of age, if you told me I’d have the relationship I had with my mom at her passing, and for many years prior, I would have said you’d lost your mind. There was no way. Just as most family members do, we thought our mom would die an active alcoholic. I’m thankful she took a different road and chose recovery. I’m thankful for the broken arm that helped her change the direction of her life. I’m thankful for how God intervened at just the right moment, knowing when she was ready for change.
In the Summer of 2018 we celebrated her 15 years in recovery. Our family was there to celebrate with her as well as the life she created. That same courage, strength, integrity that she needed to fight through her recovery process was the same traits I watched her fight for her life with passion right to the end.
My mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer that travelled throughout her body. As are most that die of cancer, she was on morphine at the end. In spite of this, she was mentally present and with us until she took her last breath. She always had a sharp thinking mind!
I’m thankful for the times I’ve had with her since recovery…from our lunch dates to the chats at her kitchen table and the many holiday/birthday gatherings, etc. Those are now cherished memories. Praise God I took the extra time to spend with her.
Sometimes it takes one’s passing to see the strengths in a person. She was a role model for me with her peaceful, calm presence. She had such a sweetness about her and always kind words. She never pushed an agenda or opinions on me. She knew when to speak and when not to interfere in my relationships and decisions. I know there were times she had opinions. She knew when to speak and when not to say a thing. I know she loved me and she knew I loved her. She consistently showed her caring, loving ways.
Yes, my mom had some hard times in her life, but so many good times too. This is the rollercoaster reality of the life we live. I watched her transform from one that was filled with angst and frustration to being healed to live from a place of peace. From my perspective, her life ended well. She learned from her mistakes and she recreated a life that I know I appreciated being a part of, as did so many others.
There is always hope. God is in the business of transforming lives which is what he did with my mom. He’s transformed my life too so that we could get beyond our hurts to be able to love on each other. It took our two forgiving hearts.
During her last days, God revealed to us that my mom would meet Jesus in heaven. We know without a doubt that she’s there with the rest of her immediate family, her mom and dad and brother, as well as other loved ones that went before her. As a result, I have confidence knowing where she is. I also know where I’m going so it’s “goodbye” for now, until we meet again.
God performed a miracle in her life which impacted everyone around her. Because she chose to do the hard work, she changed. I’m beyond words of gratitude to God that my mom was ready to take a difficult path so that I could have a growing relationship with her. There are no regrets for me other than I would have appreciated more time with this beautiful woman.
Addiction can certainly be ugly but don’t underestimate how God can work to bring light into the darkness! That’s what we witnessed in my mom and ultimately our family.
Thank you, LORD, for how you guide and provide! I am certainly missing this sweet soul. “Goodbye for now” my mom, until we meet again on the other side for eternity.
Jesus said, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
